I’ve been here before, will sound familiar.
We are 26 and 27, been together since our teens and are newlyweds and newly living together.
He is a “mama’s boy” and hardly has anything at our house, goes to his parent’s house every single day for a couple of hours, doesn’t usually eat dinner with me… I just feel a total disconnect.
He won’t go to counseling but I’ve gone… I also talked to a priest because I am just so heartbroken that my husband is really just sleeping at our house and has nothing more than a few changes of clothes. It hurts so much.
The counselor said he is a “mummy’s boy” but that is besides the fact, he is totally comfortable living just the way he always has and does not want to commit.
The priest said it is very unusual for a man his age to act like this but at the same time he has a little further to go to fully mature.
I remember my mom telling me about how my dad was when they were first married, I guess my dad was really like a ticking time bomb and would be really agitated and angry all the time or something. She said his mother told her “some day he will be a great husband to you,” and he was, it did happen.
I just don’t know what to do, I feel like the priest was helpful and gave me a glimmer of hope saying no it’s too soon, and the fact he is male and he is also a counselor… it just makes me wonder if I am not understanding males or am being too sensitive?
Because everyone else says this is ridiculous, they’re furious that my husband is doing this, hardly moved in, not coming home to me (because he goes to his parent’s every night)…
Is this a maturity thing, is this a guys are different from girls thing, or am I really facing a decision of leaving like everyone is making me feel?
My husband says he does not want to “do what I tell him” (even though my feelings are totally valid, he should be coming home more often than not to me from work, move his things in, etc). He says he will do it when he feels like it and that nothing will change, that he will still always go to his parent’s house every night after work…
I just feel like a sap, like a chump for putting up with this. I have to wonder if I’m being too sensitive or what? I just feel like this is not right…
Will My Husband Mature?
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It’s normal for a young newly married man to still have a strong attachment to his parents and still have some of his belongings in his old room or stored in the basement at his parents’ house. However, it’s not normal to have almost all of his belongings in their house and to spend almost all of his off time there. It sounds to me like, even though he is married to you, he has not committed to you. This concerns me more than anything else, because yes, young newly married men do mature over time, but the same does not necessarily apply to a guy who can’t fully commit.
j0e
Yeah, that doesn’t sound right at all. You gotta put your foot down and engage him with his priorities because they don’t seem aligned with yours and that is a recipe for disaster to a marriage.
Your first mistake is depending upon a priest to give you sound advice about marriage and relationships.
Tell him if he wants to suck on mommy’s **** so bad he can go marry her. You deserve a real man.
Nope.
They never do.
What you is what you’ll be getting for the next 50 years.
Lock him out
he will be mature one day, dont worry
your husband won’t even spend the night with you? he is wrong, wrong, wrong and NO you are not being too sensitive.
i doubt he’s going to grow up much. he’s already an adult yet acts like a young child. at age 12, even my children were more independent than him. how can you stand it? i’d be long gone.
a proven fact- if a man or woman is not getting what they need at home , they will get it somewhere else, sooner or later , and is that wrong , to me , no , if ur not going to be there for each other then why be there at all . good luck
No. He is who he is. He will not change very much at all. Either accept your husband “as is” or move on…it’s not fair for you to put your ideals on him and expect him to live up to them. He isn’t you and never will be…(not that I think you wanting him home for dinner is asking too much…but if he wont’ be there, he won’t be there and if it makes you unhappy you need to change you in one way or another)
My ex husband was this way, and after marraige counseling and everything els, it didn’t work out. He was to attached to his parents.
If your hubby won’t even consider marraige counseling, and refuses to see where you are coming from at all, and start acting like a husband, then you need to file for divorce because there are plenty of other men who are willing to be husbands and not stay children.
i would never have married him and if you have been with him all this time you certainly should have known him well enough. you could ask him but when you tell someone to do something its like an order. he may not think this relationship is going to last so he isn’t giving it his all.
You are not being too sensitive, your feelings are very valid. When he married you and said his vows, he was committing to you and to leaving his parents house. I would definately not deal with this. What I would do if I were in your shoes: First, explain to him exactly how this makes you feel and what it is doing to your marriage. I would then tell him that you don’t mind if he visits his parents but needs to put boundaries on the amount of time he spends with them because it is having a negative impact on your marriage. I know this sounds kind of hash, but I would make him choose. A) Either you compromise and spend less time with your parents and more time at home with your wife, move your stuff in, and for god’s sakes sleep at home with your wife at night, or B) You can continue to stay with your parents permanently and get a divorce.
I think he needs counseling, but if he is not even willing to go to counseling then it probably won’t change anytime in the near future. Good luck!
You were foolish to marry him. You knew what he was like. Most men do not improve with marriage. What you see is what you get. For some reason you wanted a guy who was not that into you, and expected him to change. Hasn’t happened. Doubt it will. Cut your losses before you waste more time.
I’m a little confused, because you seem to be implying that you want to spend more time with your husband. So, why don’t you? You know where he is. You could be right there with him, but instead you’d rather stay home and complain. I don’t get it.